About Unplanned

Created Spring of 2020
At the beginning of the Global Pandemic
Photographed by Kelsey McMillan

In Unplanned, I subject myself to the experience of vulnerability and fear of failure by approaching the “canvas” with no plan but to create a recognizable object. Layering brushstrokes in random motions, I continue this process until I see an image form. With each brushstroke is a constant questioning of myself: Should I place this brushstroke here? Should I use this colour? Will it be recognizable at all? It felt like a process of becoming, as I was surprised to see what forms came to be on the fabric.

Diary Entries

February 21, 2020

Today I’ve learned a lot. I filmed “What Came After Eve (2020).” The video features me in a black bodysuit eating a red apple. I take a bite like Eve, I sit on a green chair which represents the snake/tree and then I write “Meaning” on a white sheet behind me. After I wrote “Meaning” on the white sheet, I knocked the jar of ink I was using with my foot. It spilled all over the floor and I had to end the performance so I could clean up the floor. Mom would be upset if I stained the floor. I showed the video I made to Mark and he said he loves it. He understood my message that sin gives life meaning. I thought about redoing the video but refrained…

After I finished making the video, I decided to paint big!! I’ve been wanting to paint big for months. I painted the figure “Barnett” on top of the written text “Meaning” on the sheet. I love Barnett. I posted a video of me painting Barnett, but then I felt embarrassed. I feel like people think my work is silly.. 

February 25, 2020

Yesterday was remarkable. I took the floral fabric I bought @ Fabricland and painted “Banana Phone.” It is wonderful. I was browsing John Mckie’s Instagram this morning and I found out that he doesn't have an art degree but he's successful and his work is in a collection and it's amazing! I messaged him asking him if he does art full-time and if he has any advice he could share. Yesterday after I painted “Banana Phone” I felt so overjoyed I couldn't do anything..I think making one painting a day is the most I can do. Creative energy spent on two paintings causes the second painting to fail. It’s like your mind is filled with connections and colours after you sleep and when you wake up it’s ready. You need to do things in the day and experience and then your first painting of the day is a reflection of this experience. One painting a day. I’m on the 182 headed to Londonderry Mall now. Today the plan is to go to Home Depot and get some wood to stretch my painting on. I wonder how Dad is doing..

February 26, 2020

Yesterday evening I painted “Snakes & Ladders” and it turned out wonderfully! Today I painted “The Krusty Krab”. It is good. I want to show it in an art show in the future. John Mckie replied on Instagram saying he started posting everyday and using tags and eventually people were messaging him to buy his artwork and he was making more money from his art than his full-time job. It’s sweet he took the time to write me that message. I am going to be creative everyday..tomorrow I will wake up, get ready, have tea, and paint. 

Mom and her friend are crazed about the Coronavirus or Covid-19. Mom made her own air purifiers and doomsday kit. I made fun of her but now I’m kind of getting worried about what's going to happen.. It’s making me scared or their fear is making me scared. While I was painting “The Krusty Krab” I felt anxious and creatively tired. I did not want to finish but it turned out good. At Home Depot today I got 2x2 for the canvas stretchers, a block plane, deck screws, and some clamps. I attempted to make a frame but we don't have a power drill. Mom said we did but it was an electric screwdriver from the dollar store.

Usually I sleep on the couch but tonight I’m sleeping in Amara’s room because I have “Banana Phone” and “Snakes & Ladders” draped on the couch. I don’t have storage for them and I don’t want to roll them up..I dreamt of being on a ferris wheel that spun very fast last night. The dream was eerie…

March 2, 2020

Yesterday evening I painted “Tired.” Before I painted the piece I thought “this painting will be sad.”. I put down a few colours and immediately I saw a girl crouched over in the black fuzz of my vision. When I look at something I see black and white fuzzy dots or motion. I connect the motion together and create the lines. I painted a girl crying with a pool and a boat and a soup can. I bought the fabric for it from Value Village. It is an un-natural fiber and was difficult to paint on because it resisted the paint when mixed with water. I am happy with the proportions of the girl's body. I tried to make her plump. The painting is how I felt when I painted it.. Tired. 

March 3, 2020

Today I took a picture of me with my painting “Tired.” I wore the NYC hat I got for $2 at the Emergency Relief Centre. I went to Value Village today because Sunday and Monday is 50% off the store. I went to the Value Village on Fort Road. The bus ride was long and I thought I got on the wrong bus but eventually things worked out. There was no usable fabric for me to buy at the store though…Dad came by with a drill for me to use and I showed him my paintings. He has a cold and didn't say much, I think he liked my painting “Tired” the best because it doesn't have a patterned background. Mom got upset at me for letting him into the house because he has a cold and it could be Covid. She took countertop disinfectant and started spraying it in the air like an air freshener. I got upset and said “you can't spray that stuff in the air, it doesn’t clean the air and we just breathe it in.” She said it does clean the air, I told her she needs to calm down about the virus. “Spraying countertop disinfectant is not going to protect you from the virus, Mom!”

March 4, 2020

I tried to fix our Mitre Saw to start making the frames for the paintings but after finding a manual online for it I found out that it’s missing parts. I’ll get a handsaw and box to cut the wood instead. Maybe today. I want to paint a big picture on some floral fabric I got.

March 5, 2020

Last night, I painted “The Elephant in the Room” . Before I painted it I thought, “I want to paint a painting like, The Dance by Henri Matisse.” I am pleased with my painting. When I first saw the elephant in my brushstrokes I questioned if I wanted to paint it or turn it into something else. I’m glad I went through with it. The painting features an elephant with water coming out of its trunk. There is also a foot and a leg and another foot with a balloon. The painting makes sexual references without being blatant. I listened to “Hugging You” by Tom Rosenthal on endless loop while I painted it...Dad said this month is a lucky month and Kaylah said “Well, it’s March.”

…It doesn’t feel right to sign the front of the painting, so I think I’ll sign on the back. 

March 8, 2020

There are two cases of coronavirus in Alberta now (one in Calgary and here in Edmonton.) Mom took Amara and me to the grocery store yesterday and when we got to the store there were only three or four carts to use. The store was packed. Mom started stalking up on dry and canned goods. She spent almost $400. I was overwhelmed. I think she is overreacting about the virus.. but I’m not too sure. She says prices are going up and the economy is going to crash. 

Yesterday I painted, “He Loves Me Not”. I love it. I think I'll paint the train sheet background black when I frame it. I have to buy more wood from Home Depot. I was thinking that I need to learn how to drive. As an artist I need to pick up materials and deliver things - busing can make this a challenge… I now have “The Elephant in the Room”, “Banana Phone”, and “Tired” framed. I feel like my paintings are inspired by my subconscious mind. I feel like “He Loves Me Not” is about my afflictions with my past partners. It is also about feeling trapped in my own femininity and feeling as a pawn in my woman-ness. 

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